Just What I Always Wanted – Some Survival Junk

              Last week I received an email from an outfit called Outdoor Survivor offering a free book, The Firearms Survival Guide.  The book is all about how to ‘protect’ my 2nd-Amendment ‘rights’. It’s free. Why not grab one, right?

              The moment I clicked the ‘buy’ button, I was then taken to another screen where I was given an amazing opportunity to grab the best tactical knife ever made, complete with a spring-assisted opening latch and German stainless steel.  This beauty normally retails for $99.99 but just today, just for a few hours more, I could scoff it up for $19.95. I did.

              Which took me immediately to another screen and here I was given a fantastic, remarkable chance to buy a tactical, self-defense pen and LED flashlight which can be used to break open a window if I need a quick escape from my home. This amazing product also comes with a multi-tool for everyday use and for close-quarters combat work. And all of these features for the incredibly low price of $29.95 which I grabbed with the click of my mouse because I’ll be visiting stepson next week and should bring a gift.

              And now I found myself looking at another screen with a picture of the four-in-one tactical backpack which holds – ready? – a hydration kit for those desert treks, a compass which is guaranteed to be water-resistant up to 100 yards deep, a digging tool for making sure I can fit into my foxhole when that enemy ordnance whizzes overhead and an emergency rescue blanket for covering me up after I’m wounded by the enemy assault. I’m not sure about the need for the blanket but hey, there’s always room for it in the car when we need something to sit on at the beach. 

              The tactical backpack retails for a hundred bucks or so, but if I buy it today there’s a one-shot offer of $59.95 and putting it together with the gun survival guide, the tactical knife, and the flashlight with the LED gets me free shipping, unless I want everything rushed overnight. In that case, I just need to add $24.95 to the order which means that once they charge my credit card $134.80, I’ll have this entire pile of crap sitting on my front porch tomorrow – oh…my… God, I can’t wait.

              Now what do you think the odds are that I will ever even remotely need any of this stuff I just bought because I’ll find myself in a tactical situation where having this gear will make any difference at all?  The odds are about as great as the odds that I will lose the 20 pounds that my internist has been telling me to lose for the last – uhhhh – twenty years.  Yea, that’s about right.

              Note that this entire sales promotion kicked off with a book whose title contained the two magic words – ‘firearms’ and ‘survival.’ Note that I will ever need any of these items like I’ll need a hole in my head. But the reason I’m on the email list rented by this marketing company is because at some point or another the internet found out that I both like and therefore own guns. Maybe they got my name from the NRA or maybe from some other marketing group which sold me some other piece of gun-related junk that I never used.

              The truth is that there’s no necessary reason to buy or own any gun-related products at all, just as there’s no necessary reason to buy or own a gun.  I just happen, God knows why, to like guns. And what I don’t think my many friends in Gun-control Nation understand is, that all the heated rhetoric about ‘freedom’ and ‘rights’ and ‘self-defense’ to the contrary, most people who own guns just happen to like owning guns.

              If I didn’t like to eat, I could easily shed those twenty pounds. If I didn’t like guns, I wouldn’t give one rat’s damn about my 2nd-Amendment ‘rights.’ Get it?

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Want To Reduce Gun Violence? Buy A Knife.

Yesterday I received an email from a company in California offering to send me a brand new knife which, according to the message, is the best and most reliable weapon I will ever need to protect me from all kinds of harm.  And the knife is free!  I just have to pay a small shipping charge and I get this awesome, personal-defense product as my very own.

knife              Where did the company get my email address?  From Armslist, the internet gun Craigslist, where thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of people try to sell their guns. I have been a Craigslist member since the website first started up and have actually both bought and sold several guns on the site.  Don’t worry, they were all legal sales.  But knives are different from guns – as lethal as a knife may be, most jurisdictions don’t require any kind of licensing at all.

What struck me about the knife giveaway, however, was the ad which then appeared on my computer monitor after I placed my order for the ‘fight fast’ knife.  Because for the paltry price of just $129, which is a lot less than what I would pay for the latest Michael Jordan Retro 13 sneaker, I can get an Extreme Survival Package, an essential set of tools to keep me and my family alive when “the real horror and chaos of an actual meltdown sinks in, you’ll suddenly realize you’ve been thrown back into the stone age.”

What this survival package allows you to do is “cross even rugged terrain with total confidence,” then “construct a temporary hide site,” also “keep your team protected from infiltrators,” and most important, get “alerted in advance” if someone has “infiltrated your territory.”  And all of this for the ridiculously low price of $129!!

Let me just interject a point of reality here, which is that I have always wanted to get the franchise for renting those electric chairs which people ride around in at the NRA show. Because most of the folks who rent those automated walking-machines don’t have some kind of physical infirmity with their legs – they are simply too fat to walk anywhere under their own steam. No matter how many pounds you need to lose, if you want to feel really thin, just go to a gun show and wander around, looking at the people, not just the guns. And these are the folks that the ‘fight fast’ knife company believes need to negotiate ‘rugged’ terrain?

Back in the 1980’s, when the gun industry first realized that most sporting hunters were either dead or now living in suburbs or simply too old to hunt, they cocked up the idea that a gun was still an essential piece of equipment because, sooner or later, everyone would meet up with a bad guy who would attack hem unless they were armed.  The latest version of that nonsense comes from idiot Dana Loesch (no surprise) who claims that an assault-rifle ban is just another attempt to prevent women from protecting themselves in instances of domestic abuse.  God only knows how Dana actually spouts such crap with a straight face.

I am beginning to believe that the ‘armed citizen’ marketing of guns is morphing into a new message which combines the threat of criminality with the coming breakdown of civilization, an apocalypse  that can only be prevented if we take necessary measures to keep ourselves and our loved ones protected from harm.

It turns out that a healthy majority of Americans now believe, according to Pew Research, that more than 80% of American senior citizens believe that video gaming contributes to gun violence. Meanwhile, more than 40% of American adults play shooting games, and many of these games revolve around various survivalist themes.

What’s the difference between cranking up the video console to play Frostpunk and buying an essential, Fightfast survival kit?  The video game only costs ten bucks but every marketer will tell you there’s nothing more American than selling up.

 

Thanks to Shaun Dakin for mentioning the video survey on Pew.